After all (it ends in you.)

I’m lying on my stomach in this room they call an executive lounge I happened to be in because of work. I’m glad. After a long time I’m alone again and thus am able to contemplate on my thoughts. They’ve been repressed for so long because of the necessity to relate to others around me---the plethora of personalities at home. It feels like being caged for eternity. Ive checked my emotions and the real ones seem distant. In this time of solitude I am hoping to bring them to the surface once more. P said I need a specialist because I’ve been bothering him for so long now—longer than he was able to bother me—but he seems more distant to me than he should be at this point of our breakup. Perhaps because I’ve cried for him for a long time already that almost all the tears have fallen (mostly for the wrong reasons) and my heart has gone weary while his fancy has passed.

It’s 10:15 in my watch and I just got out of a meeting in prep for this big event. My body is tired but my mind is more alive than it ever was for weeks. These series of music emanating from the laptop coincides with my emotions. But my real intention for writing has shifted, perhaps out of the need to express myself as a person than as a woman in love.

(Somebody talked to me and now I’m distracted. I’m resting awhile.)
The setting of our meeting was unusual. We were on the rooftop of a two-storey house they call the HQ. I’ve never been to an HQ before, not with real people at least. The time was within twilight hours, breezy, the view of verdant forests. It couldn’t be compared to Twilight the movie scenery but it was enough to have made me think of you. You told me that night that I still imagine you drunk that you wanted to watch the sunset with me lying in your arms. It sent a caress of sadness in my heart for it’s right now simply a mere idea, uncertain as ever seeing myself reflected in your eyes. But there was gladness too my dear. For I know that it is this distance that keeps us longing, that keeps me going. Without you I would have drowned to insanity as I was drifting back and forth before. Once again you made me smile. You sowed in me hope. You gave me love. Only your words and I feel I could live again and face every fear and every weakness I own as human as I am, as hard as this world may seem to be.

I am glad that you love me. Only this and nothing more. If I’m jealous at times, I dare not speak of it. From pain in love I’ve learned one thing atleast: that to keep love, you have to stay away; that you love but you do not ask; you give but you do not tell all. If I’m wrong then blame it again on my humanity. I will accept. That’s all there is to say. My thirst for expression is quenched (for now).
I realized in the end, tonight is about you my...